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Mariah Burton Nelson

Reconciliation Checklist

Reconciliation is only possible when we become larger than the people who have hurt us, and the things that have caused us pain. This questionnaire will help you determine whether or not you are ready to pursue reconciliation at this time.

Circle the number beneath each question that indicates your current feelings. If your response is a strong �no� or �yes�, circle the numbers at either end of the scale. If your answer is more mixed, choose a number in the middle that most accurately reflects where you are today.

Person That You Are Considering Reconciling

Has a relationship with someone you once cared about ended because of anger, betrayal, or miscommunication?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Do you miss the other person and wish he or she could still be in your life?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Have you worked through your own feelings enough to approach this person in a new way?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Are you ready to take responsibility for your role in what happened?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Have you developed a sense of compassion for the other person?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Have you moved beyond fantasies of revenge and retaliation?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Could you move forward in this relationship even if you receive no apology or acknowledgement that you were wronged?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Are you being realistic about the other person? Have you stopped pinning your hopes on a fantasy?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

If a limited relationship is all that is possible, would that be acceptable to you?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Can you be in this relationship and still feel good about yourself?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Given the risks involved in reaching out, are you willing to face the worst possible scenario?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

Do you have what it takes to rebuild this relationship?

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

NO									YES

If the majority of your answers cluster around the �yes� end of the scale, it�s a good indicator that you are ready to pursue reconciliation. Answers that cluster around the �no� end of the scale point out issues you may need to resolve before you will be ready to reach out to the other person.

Share Your Results

Most people fill out this questionnaire as a way to achieve greater inner clarity. Others go a step beyond this, and decide to send it to the person whose name they wrote up at the top of the form, as a way to initiate-or further-a dialogue about the future of the relationship. If you truly believe that sharing your answers would further your reconciliation, you can email your completed form to the person you named at the top of this questionnaire, along with a personal cover letter from you.

Adapted from I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation by Laura Davis (HarperCollins, April, 2002).

� Laura Davis, 2002. This article may be distributed or reproduced as long as you include the author, the copyright and the sentence, �Laura Davis is the author of I Thought We�d Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation (HarperCollins, April 2002). You can receive a free �Am I Ready for Reconciliation?� checklist or sign up for her free electronic newsletter, �Reconciliation News� by visiting http://www.LauraDavis.net .