My Creativity

For most of my life, I experienced a constant, bubbling cauldron of creativity within me. For decades, I was a prolific writer, author, talk show host, radio producer and all-around communicator who was never at a loss for great, interesting ideas—in fact, I usually had far more than I could realize at any one given time.

Creativity often woke me up at night with a new idea; we’d hang out in the wee hours, fleshing out a vision when it was quiet and the night was full. Our relationship was intimate and passionate. Creativity embodied that rare combination you search for in a lover—reliability and excitement. I could always count on her to arouse me, to awaken me, to leave me feeling satiated and happy. Together, we produced literary and auditory babies that we launched out in the world. And like parents everywhere, we watched them grow and flourish with pride.

In the last decade, however, our relationship has grown flat. The daily demands of family life, the pressures of being a breadwinner, and the brain-numbing aftermath of chemotherapy severed my relationship to my first love. Where there used to be an exciting cauldron of ideas, there is only empty space, and it isn’t the kind that feels fertile with possibility. When I sit down to write, a blank, reluctant page usually stares back at me. I can still go through the motions because I’ve have long years of practice, but I’m rarely excited about what I write. None of my words gain anything resembling traction; I don’t have many ideas, I don’t care about the ideas I do have, and I don’t have the energy or desire to follow through. People tell me that writers often have a long, dry spell when they are gestating a new idea, but I simply feel barren, not pregnant with possibility. And so I’ve grieved the loss of this relationship. Perhaps, I’ve had to tell myself, that part of my life is over.

But now my children are growing up—Eli is a senior in high school and Lizzy is a freshman—and the great daily focus to which I’ve devoted the last 20 years is coming to an end. As I anticipate the empty nest, I’ve been wondering what exactly might be next for me. And I have been taking risks and branching out.

In the past year, I’ve joined the Santa Cruz Community Choir and am taking singing lessons. I’ve become a writing student again—something I think is essential for every teacher. I love going to my writing class; it’s a great relief to “not have to hold the space,” to be able to write for my own exploration and pleasure in an environment where writing is expected and nurtured. And in the course of that writing, some new threads have been emerging. After 20+ years of being a professional writer, I’m playing with fiction—inventing shit—and I’m having a ball.

Just this past week, during our family staycation, my daughter and I spent a long day creating an photo album online of her bat mitzvah pictures, taken last June. I was having so much fun that I created two other specialty albums—one for my mother and one for Lizzy’s grandfather in Israel who was unable to attend. I couldn’t believe how much fun it was to lose track of time and to get immersed in the aesthetics of a project again. Had it been, what, years? And then a few days later, I discovered an online cookbook program and decided to start a family cookbook project, complete with family stories about food.

I don’t know if it has to do with being three years post-chemo, my willingness to take some new risks, or simply taking time off from work without a plan, but I’ve had been deeply enjoying this little blossoming of creativity I thought I had lost forever.

Will it last? I don’t think that’s even the point. The point is that a relationship I thought was over is lying in wait, and in this new year, I’m going to do everything I can to nourish it and make it blossom again.

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Inspiration gone
written by Che Garner, January 04, 2011

I am sorry about the absence of yoru creativity but at the same time am glad that someone else feesl this. I have no idea where mine when or why but it is gone. and I miss it terribly, the being woke up in the middle of the night with a "write this down" and I'd say "no,I'm sleepy I'll do it in the morning" and being told "no write it down NOW 'cause you aren't going back to sleep until you do" but had not thought of finding another way of creatiing to get the juices flowing. I just thought it was gone forever.

Creativity is a Shape Shifter
written by Deb Blackmore, January 04, 2011

Hi Laura, I can relate so well to your feelings of lost creativity. Words on a page are a very satisfying thing, but not everything. My experience has been that creativity comes in waves of different colors and shapes...different activities for different moods. It cannot be forced to happen even by truly "creative" people. The main thing is to avoid linking the notion of creativity with a need for productivity. Creativity takes time to emerge and is often lost in the press to be "productive," to have something to show for your time. Enjoy the new year and what it brings.

Cheers, Deb

p.s. Today I received the newly minted license plate for my car..."6 PMS 388." I spent my creativity on making a new custom moniker.

...
written by Tiffany, January 04, 2011

Loved reading this! Thanks for sharing.

Creativity Gone Mad
written by Sangeeta Singal, January 05, 2011

Hi Laura! although I only had the pleasure of writing with you and other students for a few weeks, i'm so thankful to be included in your wonderful community. About creativity, sometimes i think that so-called "dormant" stages are simply the times of change and transition needed to take us to a new and different part of our lives that is waiting to come through. I haven't known you for a long time, but I can certainly say that your words touched me profoundly in the workshops I attended and perhaps the newfound fun you've found in recent creative projects is simply a sign that you now, quite frankly, have permission to enjoy whatever freakin' thing you want to! I say, carry on, carry on!!!

Retired Chemist
written by Rajendar Singal, April 01, 2011

Hi Laura: I don't know you at all but the fact that you are a cancer patient and taking Chemotherapy treatment, and that you have a great passion in writing as well as family memories and relationships, has inspired me to add my few words of advice for you. My daughter Sangeeta Singal has also written very eloquently in your blog. Life is what you make it and what is destined to be. This deadly disease of cancer should not prevent you from doing what you want to accomplish in the God given life you have. Rather, in my opinion it should enhance your interests and you should take pride in your family relationships, and lead the life with bravery and great courage. Wish you good luck and may God bless you with a long and fruitful life of happiness and ever lasting creativity of your passion of writing. Keep smiling.